When it came to table manners, I grew up in a very strict home. I mean, really strict. My brothers and I were constantly corrected about which fork to pick up, how to hold the flatware, where to put the napkin, how to chew and so forth. It was a constant battle for my parents with four rowdy boys who thought the height of hilarity was flinging a roll across the table when one said, “Please pass…” Or that peas or lima beans (ick) could be effective weapons when catapulted with a spoon. Still, mom and dad were tireless, saying we’d thank them later.

Mom was also fond of quoting a poem by Gelett Burgess. First published in 1900, “The Goops” caused a sensation, and by the time we were in primary school, we could all recite together:

“The Goops they lick their fingers,
And the Goops they lick their knives;
They spill their broth on the tablecloth –
Oh, they lead disgusting lives!
The Goops they talk while eating,
And loud and fast they chew;
And that is why I’m glad that I 
Am not a Goop — Are you?

The Goops are gluttonous and rude,
They gug and gumble with their food;
They throw their crumbs upon the floor,
And at dessert they tease for more.
They will not eat their soup and bread
But like to gobble sweets, instead,
And this is why I oft decline,
When I am asked to stay and dine!”

We were also particularly fond of a verse that is pitched right at the humor level of 8-year-olds and went as follows:

I eat my peas with honey.
I’ve done it all my life.
It does taste rather funny,
But it keeps them on the knife.

With a combination of good humor and unrelenting persistence, the folks trained us to know what to do in any kind of social situation.

The other thing they did was forbid any kind of games or TV while at the table. There are plenty of studies that show that family meal times help communication skills, family bonding and more.

But here’s a new wrinkle: Teaching your kids good manners may be as important to their careers as the education they get.

A couple of weeks ago, I was on a plane with the head of HR for a major corporation. He was returning home after flying all over the country interviewing new college graduates for positions in his company. We got into a conversation because he commented on the fact that I had thanked the flight attendant for a soda. I’m not kidding. He remarked that it always surprised him that so many people were either rude or totally ignored people who helped them out, and started bemoaning the loss of basic courtesy or manners.

Now, this is something older generations have always done as they look at “those kids.” But in this case, it was worth paying attention. My seatmate said that after interviewing dozens of candidates with good skills, he wouldn’t hire anyone for a management track position with whom he had not had a meal.

Seriously.

His logic was that if someone is going to be in social business situations with clients, upper management and so forth, good manners could be a determining factor, and told a lot about a person’s character. Whether that is right or wrong is irrelevant, but his was his point of view, and he was handing out the jobs. He added that several candidates were eliminated on lack of table manners alone. Could he tell them? No. Employment laws are pretty strict, but there are always reasons that one candidate is chosen for one job over another. The most he could do was suggest that the rejected candidates need “a little more polish.” Or that they should “work on their presentation skills.” (When I said I wanted to write about this, he asked that neither he nor his company be identified.)

Today, so much emphasis is placed on kids being “well rounded,” on their having a long resume of skills and activities, and I won’t argue with that. But humans are also social animals with fairly elaborate social conventions. A well-rounded kid needs these skills as well, and it’s no harder than a little bit of work at the dinner table—where they’re going to be anyway.

Parents do so much to help prepare and teach their kids to be successful. Don’t forget what seems like smaller stuff. Sometimes that can make all the difference.

Play Categories: Advice, Experiences

With an estimated opening weekend box office of $109 Million, you don’t need me to tell you that Toy Story 3 is a major hit. Pixar’s biggest opening yet speaks to the power of the franchise—and the indelible mark that Woody, Buzz and the whole crew have left on our culture in just 15 years. In fact, it’s hard to imagine many kids growing up without these films—like Star Wars and The Wizard of Oz, they are now part of the kids’ movie pantheon. Yes, the reviews have all been glowing, and even our reviewer Cynthia Fuchs gave the movie 10 stars. Yet what has intrigued me are some of the subtle—and not so—messages that the movie delivers and the brilliant worldview of Pixar and Disney that offers all of us so much insight and food for thought over and above the sheer entertainment value.

We become what we play. Andy at 17 is a considerate, well-rounded and hopeful young man. You can go back through all the play scenarios in Toy Story and the opening of this movie and see the essential thread of goodness that runs through all of them, even within the child’s-eye-view play narrative that Pixar understands so well.

We’re supposed to grow up. The role of play is to help us define and understand ourselves in the context of our culture. What we learn through play about ourselves, interaction with others and such skills as imaginative problem solving are meant to equip us for the adult world. Our toys may not feature in our daily lives as we become adults, but neither do we want to forget them. They remain a reminder of the journey we’ve been on. Giving up the toys does not mean giving up the lessons they’ve taught us.

It’s not over til it’s over. This is a message that permeates all the Pixar films, including this franchise, Finding Nemo (“Just keep swimming,” Dory says.), Cars, Monsters, Inc., and so forth. Even in what seem like the most challenging situations, there’s usually a solution. This is nothing that originated with Pixar. It’s a theme that permeates virtually all children’s literature and entertainment from the Legend of King Arthur to The Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew to Harry Potter and myriad more. Experiencing this vicariously through fiction helps empower kids to try things on their own in their (assuredly less dramatic) lives. Kids need to learn to solve problems and resolve situations on their own, and most of these narratives remove the adult and forces the child to use his or her own intelligence to overcome the challenges. No wonder these characters become popular—and powerful—role models. The lesson for parents and caregivers in this is that you have to let kids try things, make mistakes and learn. (Always within reason, of course.) In real life, it’s the rare kid who is cast off into the world to fend for himself, but learning and practicing that while being cared for prepares children to take responsibility for themselves. In Toy Story 3, when Andy goes off to college, he goes by himself. Hard as that is for his mom, she has prepared him for the new set of challenges, and he’s more than equal to the task.

Friends matter. None of us does it alone, and why would we want to? In the world of Toy Story, the characters are idiosyncratic and don’t always see eye to eye, and they can frustrate one another from time to time. What matters, though, is that they are all in it together and their loyalty to and love for one another is more important than any superficial differences. In fact, it’s their different skills and talents that allow the group to survive and thrive.

Let go. At the opening of Toy Story 3, Andy is presented with two choices: donate his toys to Sunnyside Day Care or put them in the attic. The ensuing mix up sets the stage for the story, though neither is the “right” solution. What Andy chooses at the end is to let go of his childhood and move into a new phase of his life. Like all of us, Andy can’t know what’s ahead, but because of his toys and play he’s more prepared for the journey—and best of all, he has helped another child begin her journey.

I suppose this is why I was teary at the end of the movie. It presents life at its best—as we hope it can be—and that’s about as good as it gets.

Play Categories: Experiences, Movies

In the new musical “The Addams Family,” Pugsley says to Grandma, “I don’t get your references.” Grandma replies, “Well, you might if you stop the darn texting and pick up a book.” It gets, as you might expect a huge laugh.

As schools get out for the summer, picking up a book should be on the agenda. I still remember wonderful summer afternoons reading outside. (No, it was not so long ago that the books were on stone or even papyrus!) I went to a school that had a reading list of books that would prepare us for the next year, but it was short. I think there were two or three required books, and I usually polished those off in the first week. I was, and am, a voracious reader, and for that I thank my parents. They were voracious readers, and our house was littered with books. We talked about what we were reading at meals, and reading was an encouraged pastime. Yes, we had TV, and we had time outside, unsupervised and with the dozens of other kids in our neighborhood, but hot afternoons, or rainy days were made for reading under a tree or on the dilapidated couch on our front porch.

Summer reading was always the time to discover new things. After the required reading of the school year was done, I had perfect freedom to read anything in the house—or anything I found in the library. (Which I took the bus to on my own starting in 5^th grade.) The librarians and my parents would suggest things, and it was through them that I discovered Ray Bradbury, Agatha Christie, Kurt Vonnegut, Joseph Heller and many more authors who have shaped me but who were not in the reading curricula.

Those were the days when “reading for pleasure” was a watchword. No, we didn’t have a video game system or a huge TV or a million channels and DVDs, but those hours and days spent immersed in books were more than entertaining.

Reading for pleasure is an essential part of developing the imagination. You have to see what the author is describing. This ability to grasp and envision something abstract is an essential tool for later learning. Some books read like movies. Certainly “The DaVinci Code” is written like one, but I can remember suffering from a sunburn and finding a tattered copy of “Gone With the Wind,” which I read in a couple of days, the story unfolding on page after page and the vivid world appearing before my eyes. Later, when I saw the movie, it was certainly amazing, but not so rich as what I had imagined as I lay on my stomach not to irritate my quickly peeling back.

In addition, reading builds vocabulary, gives one an ear for language and helps one understand characters and much more. For children after about third grade, getting into chapter book series can be a great way to get started. My parents were big on the classics, so I read a lot of those, and struggling with some big words and complex sentences ultimately gave way to a real delight in the stories and worlds created by Dickens, Thackery, Eliot and Fielding.

It’s hard to stress the importance of reading, but the best way to get kids to read is to make it fun. When I was growing up, we didn’t have the kinds of super book stores there are today. Take your kids, and let them get lost in the books, look at the jackets, and sit on the floor and get a sense of what they might get into.

It’s impossible to say whether or not your kids will be better students because of this, but reading is a pleasure that can last a lifetime. Today, a lot of my reading is done on an e-reader, which is great to carry on planes, but the thrill of starting a new book, discovering new characters and getting to that magical point where you know you’re hooked on a story is a pleasure that never gets old.

There are lots of good, sound reasons to encourage kids to read this summer, but keep that to yourself. Instead, stress the fun and excitement that reading can bring—a complementary activity to everything active you do in the summer.

Oh, and the best way to get kids to read is to read yourself. Why not pick up a book you’ve been planning to read this summer? Why should kids have all the fun?

Play Categories: Advice, Experiences, books

My 5-year old daughter recently told me “that just because boys are stronger than girls, doesn’t mean that they can hit us”. Which she then immediately followed with, “and just because girls are smarter than boys, doesn’t mean that we can call them stupid.”

Being the mother to one of each, a boy and a girl, I found this statement profound, amusing and a bit puzzling. What I was most taken aback by was how she arrived at these conclusions. As the parents of any boy-girl combo can attest, we talk a lot in our house about keeping our hands to ourselves. But we’ve never discussed it in terms of gender or strength. And I’ve certainly never uttered an opinion about women being smarter than men. At least not in my outside voice.

So I’m left again with the realization that her Kindergarten peers are doing far more at this impressionable stage of shaping her perceptions…and vocabulary…than I am, and I’m not sure how to put the brakes on that issue. The social cycles I’ve seen her grow through this year are astounding, and I’m proud of the way she treats both boys and girls respect, even at a young age. But clearly the boys have somehow dug themselves into a hole that may take the entire summer, if not longer, to surface from.

Play Categories: Experiences, Opinions

I’ve sat through three parent sessions this week at my daughter’s school that dealt with “summer brain drain” and how to keep kids from losing 30% of what teachers worked hard all year to cram into their little brains. And while some of the information was useful, very little of it took into account that kids actually need and deserve some time off. I was also struck by “fun activity” recommendations they offered parents for keeping kids’ minds engaged all summer. I’m pretty sure that my daughter would not, in fact, enjoy me dumping her LEGOs all over the floor so that she can count them as she cleans them up.

For my part, I’m not running to the bookstore to snatch up subject workbooks for my incoming first grader to be tortured over all summer. But I will spend some time talking to her (vocabulary building) during a day trip that I’ll let her map out (geo-literacy) to visit a national monument (history/social studies) where she and her brother will explore with wild summer abandon (recess).

Sometimes the best learning moments are disguised as fun.

Play Categories: Advice, Experiences, Opinions

In the front hall my school from Pre-Kindergarten though 12th Grade, there was a bronze plaque in the front hall that we saw every day. It included a famous bit of poetry by Gartland Rice: “For when the One Great Scorer comes / To write against your name. He marks—not that you won or lost— / But how you played the game.”

We saw this every day (It was unavoidable.), and while we didn’t stop and ponder the message with great regularity, its message certainly seeped into us—as was intended. Effort, integrity and sportsmanship were drilled into us not just by a passive message on a wall but by a faculty who knew that while winning in whatever we did was sometimes out of our control no matter how hard we tried; how we engaged with the process of everything we did (playing the game) is what makes all the difference.

All this month at Time to Play, we’re celebrating Family Game Night, and we have great suggestions for games you and your family will love playing. As Jim Silver notes, games provide a great family bonding experience, and he notes people play to win. Of course they do. No one likes to lose, but you can’t have a winner without a loser. And this is where it becomes important to acknowledge the importance of how you play the game.

There are thousands of games out there, but at the end of the day, they really break down into two categories: games of chance and games of skill. Both present amazing learning opportunities for kids.

Games of chance—Candy Land, Chutes and Ladders, Uno and so forth—depend solely on the luck of the draw or the roll of the dice. Because these are random, the game is different every time it’s played. The fascination and the fun comes from the twists and turns over which a player has very little control. What children learn in these games is that sometimes outcomes in life are unpredictable and certainly uncontrollable. Today’s loss will probably be tomorrow’s win. The fun is in playing and interacting with others. Teaching kids to be a good loser is as important as being a good winner. No one really wants to play with a sore loser or an obnoxious winner. (When they get into higher mathematics, they can learn that what we like to call “luck” is merely statistical probability in action. If the same two people play the same game over enough time, they are likely to win 50 percent of the time. But that’s a conversation for another day.)

Games of skill—Blokus, Othello, Chess, Scrabble, etc.—combines elements of chance with strategy. A player can get better at these over time. My personal favorite game is the card game Bridge. There is always the element of luck in how the cards are dealt, but learning the ins and outs of the games, bidding strategies and so forth can be the play of a lifetime. Games of skill teach kids to keep trying and to know that it takes time and perseverance to develop the skills that can lead to winning.

On everything from testing to performance, there is such an emphasis on winning that it can be demoralizing to kids and prevent them from trying. The cliché, “keep your eyes on the prize,” can be inspiring, but it’s also important to accept that kids are going to stink at things when they first start out. You don’t become a Chess master overnight, or a star athlete or musician. There are also elements of chance in life. For instance, I was never a gifted athlete. I did my best, but I never came up to the level of my classmates who were naturally talented. In fact, kids and coaches consistently ridiculed me for my total lack of athletic skill. Not easy. However, I was a talented musician and outshone my peers who seemed to work harder without getting the same results.

That brings up one of the most important lessons we get from games: Play the hand you’re dealt. By working within the framework of “what is,” we can learn to be the best we can be. Some things may come easily and some not so much. But if we can set goals and work steadily towards them, that is what makes a rich life. Teaching our kids that winning is a bonus but never guaranteed is as essential as teaching them that if they don’t fully engage in the game, the chances of winning are non-existent.

I ran my first marathon when I was in my 30s. I did not win, of course, but I had a respectable time in the middle of the pack. It took over a year to train, and sometimes I wanted to give up, but I wanted to prove something to myself. I learned that I could do something I believed I couldn’t, and that made all the difference.

Play Categories: Advice, Experiences

My friend and fellow blogger Lenore Skeanzy, whose wonderful blog is Free Range Kids, has been quoting Mark Twain on the risks of riding trains in 1871. It’s fascinating and entertaining reading.

Twain was talking about the low statistical probability of being killed in a train wreck, though at the time conventional wisdom within the country was that train travel should be avoided as unsafe. Twain’s point was that despite the risk, the literal chances of being hurt or killed in a train wreck were very low.

Today, we know that your chances of being killed in an airline crash are statistically less than a car crash. Still more people fear flying than driving. This is in part because when we drive we are in more control and feel that that shields us. As much as we might understand physics and engineering, part of our brains has not evolved enough to accept that hurtling through the sky, six miles above the ground in a metal tube is even possible—let alone safe. Of course, there’s risk, but for most people who fly, it is acceptable risk. If planes fell out of the sky every day, it would be a different story. I once sat next to a mechanical engineer on a flight out of Denver who was absolutely panicked about flying. Even he knew his fear didn’t make sense, but it was just that: an irrational fear.

Now, fear is not always bad. It’s our built-in early warning system. The problem is that it gets ugly and unmanageable where fear meets ego. In other words, parents who read about terrible tragedies about children instantly project themselves into it. As a result, kids are being raised to be afraid of their environments, cautious about anything they don’t know and, in too many cases, risk averse. We have gone from a country that relied on its communities and the people within them to provide support, context and stability to isolated pockets of individuals fearful of anyone and anything we don’t know.

I was recently at an event with many people I didn’t know personally, but who were all there for the same reason and under the same organization. One would think that the presumption of safety within this group would apply. Instead, when a 5-year-old girl walked over to me to proudly show me the art project she’d made, her mother, having looked away for a moment, raced over, grabbed her daughter and told her she was “very bad” for talking to people she didn’t know, and instructed me not to talk to her child. Not surprisingly, her daughter looked like she was on the brink of tears. This drama played out over about 90 seconds, and I wasn’t even an active participant. In fact, I was irrelevant, and I never said a word. It was the mother’s fear that drove the drama, and it overwhelmed her judgment and the facts.

Sadly, “drama” is the operative word here, and I sat there wondering what this lovely little girl’s experience was going to be as she grew up if this was her daily experience. If every unknown situation is catastrophic and dangerous, how will this little girl learn to make distinctions between situations for herself when mom isn’t on the scene?

Children need age-appropriate risk at all stages of their lives. How else do they know what they’re capable of? It’s a huge risk to pull oneself up and start walking. It’s a risk to go to nursery school and suddenly be with other kids. It’s a risk to ride a bike, or a skateboard. It’s a risk to take the SATs. Any activity, any choice where the outcome is unknown is a risk. And risks are life threatening to a greater or lesser degree. Teaching children to take appropriate risks is how we help them to grow. And, most importantly they need to fail. I love watching kids skateboard because, with no parental authority around, they know they won’t hit each trick, but I love the process as failure ultimately leads to success, and success can become mastery. Children need this process.

Of course common sense applies. But shutting ourselves into egocentric cocoons of fear without acknowledging reality is not the answer. Every success has its genesis in one thing: a calculated risk. Striking the balance between rationality and risk is one of the most valuable gifts we can give our kids.

Play Categories: Advice, Experiences, Opinions

Last week was Jim’s turn to be in Hong Kong, this week it’s mine. The trade show here is the second largest in the world, and it’s where the “toy year” officially starts. Many manufacturers started showing things privately in October, but here in Hong Kong at the amazing Convention Centre that juts magnificently into the harbor from Hong Kong Island, or in the hundreds of showrooms and hotel suites on the mainland, this is where the toys you’ll be trying to find ten short months from now start to take shape.

Many of the executives and designers have been here since just after the New Year. They work with buyers and have easy access to the factories in China—a couple of hours away by train. The suggested changes that are devised in these meetings can quickly be implemented and new models delivered in a few days’ time.

One of the big things everyone is talking about is cost—how to give consumers more value for their money. That’s great news for anyone buying toys, but it can cause headaches for the companies trying to meet that challenge. For example, I spent an hour today with a small toy company that has a line of awesome products that will be unveiled in the U.S. this year. (Sorry, specific details are under wraps.) I talked to the lead inventor, who has a Ph.D. in robotics, and he told me that it took six months to figure out how to get a toy to run for a long time on AA batteries. Why even bother trying to do something like that? Well, it allows the toy to be sold at an affordable price and to perform at a level that won’t disappoint kids. Sounds like a pretty good reason to me.

And this show is big, there are more than 2,000 companies exhibiting from 46 countries. And there are thousands of buyers here from all over the world, all of them hoping that they will find a market for their toys.

It’s a lot to try to see it all in only a few days!

But this is truly where the toy year starts. A lot of people in the toy business are on the road for the first few months of the year non-stop. At the end of this week, many of the companies leave here and head for the Nuremburg toy show in Germany—the largest toy fair in the world. It’s so big, they have one huge convention hall that would easily cover the space of five football fields devoted only to model trains. (Model trains are big in Europe, still.) There the manufacturers will show their toys again, with some improvements.

Another company I spoke with today has an amazing electronics product. (Sorry, still top secret.) They showed it to me and said that by next week when they head to Nuremburg they hope to have the next round of development complete.

After Nuremburg comes the London toy show and finally, New York. Even then, though, the work isn’t done. After all the shows, manufacturers still have to work out details such as how to manufacture the toys, and how much it will cost the retailers to buy them and how much they can sell them for. It’s a long process that ends with final meetings and the hope that after all is said and done the retailers will begin placing orders and production can start. In many cases, orders are finalized by the end of March or the beginning of April, so the toys can be made in time to spend 6 weeks being shipped from Asia and be on the shelf at the beginning of the holiday shopping season.

It’s also a very risky business because there’s no guarantee that a toy will make it through the process and thousands of dollars—or more—may go down the tubes. A toy might ultimately be too expensive. Or there could be too many other things like it on the market or… There are lots of reasons, and many of them might not be that obvious. However, every once in a while, I’ll stumble across a toy as I’m roaming the shows that makes me scratch my head and say, “What were they thinking?” My favorite right here in Hong Kong two years ago was a two-foot-tall purple plush gorilla that was operated by remote control and played “Johnny, Be Good.” I guess somebody thought it was a good idea.

If this year is like the past, though, the good ideas will far outweigh the bad, and at the end of the toy year for us, there will be tons of excitement for you. Stay tuned!

Play Categories: Experiences, Industry News

By Chris Byrne (Follow me on twitter)

Last Sunday night, I was in Chicago, and Michigan Avenue was lined with people there to watch a parade—and participate in the “official” opening of Chicago’s Shopping season.

For the rest of the nation, that begins the Friday after Thanksgiving—or so-called “Black Friday.” While it would be fun to say the name comes from my mood trying to navigate stores on one of the most crowded shopping days of the year, the real derivation of the term comes from financials. The Friday after Thanksgiving was traditionally the day that retailers went from being in the red to profitable—or in the black.

If you’re breathing, you can’t miss all the hype this year. Stores opening extra early (Toys “R” Us is opening at midnight.) and all the hype about “door buster” specials. It’s no surprise that everyone is a little hopped up about this. It’s been a dismal year for retailers, and shoppers who have held back all year are in a mood to buy.

But do you have to be out in a cold parking lot the day after the holiday? To me, the notion of getting through a holiday and then leaping into shopping is horrific. The odds of me getting one of the 50 deeply discounted TVs or appliances or computers or toys are so low that it’s not worth it. I start getting jumpy just thinking about it. That, however, is just me.

I’ve been surveying shoppers about their Black Friday plans both in person and online, and the views are pretty much evenly split. For every person like me who hates battling for sales (though I will be visiting stores that day in LA to see how toy sales are going), there are people for whom Black Friday is a family tradition. They anticipate the fun of getting up early and waiting in the cold. For them, it’s like a sporting event. They thrive on the crowds and the energy. As one woman told me, “I’ve done most of my shopping, but the holiday doesn’t really start for me till I feel the excitement of being in the stores. I wouldn’t be the first to posit that shopping can induce a drug-like state.

There are deals to be found, to be sure, and those deals will not be going to me, but I’m happy for the other people who will get them. We all pay in different ways. I’ll pay a few dollars more for things because I want to avoid the crunch. Others will pay with their time and energy to try to score the items they want. Happily, we both win. When choices are involved, people usually pay the prices they want to pay.

My sense, though, is that deals will be going on all season. Right now Amazon and Wal-Mart are engaged in a tremendous price war, which can only be good news for shoppers as all retailers compete for the estimated $437.6 billion that will be spent this holiday season, according to the National Retail Federation. So, it’s possible that we all may save a bit.

This is definitely a live-and-let-live situation. I don’t get the people who love being up at 3:00 a.m. any more than they can understand how I could miss the fun. From my perspective, we both win.

Have a wonderful holiday—just the way you like it.

Play Categories: Experiences, Opinions, holidays