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It’s that time of year again when parents everywhere are dealing with re-setting their child to get back in the school mindset. But before the learning begins, there are some basic routines that families can establish to make the transition as smooth as possible. Some of it rests with parents while kids themselves also have a role…so how is the work divided?

1. Parents have lots of to-do’s and they often come in the form of paperwork from the school – so get organized early. Be sure to review the material sent by the school as soon as it arrives.

• It can include important information about your child’s teacher, room number, school supply requirements, dress code, sign ups for after-school sports and activities, school calendar dates, bus transportation and health and emergency forms.

2. Re-establish bedtime and meal routines one week before school starts. And make sure breakfast happens every day!

3. Shop early (and online) for school supplies…make a list and save receipts.

• Choose a backpack with your child in mind – wide, padded straps and padded back. It shouldn’t weigh more than 10-20% of the child’s body weight when loaded up…if so, consider a rolling backpack.

4. Have necessary medical and emergency contact information updated and provide the info to other caregivers (carpoolers, playdates, after-school programs) in advance.

5. Designate a homework area and make it a “gadget-free” zone. No texting, web-surfing, etc.

6. Get important dates on calendar…back-to-school nights are important in setting the teacher-parent relationship off to a good start.

7. For younger children, see if the school offers early tours so that the child can visit their new school ahead of time and be familiar with the facilities….including bathrooms, which are a major “fear” issue for young children.

8. The first day is important so involve your child in planning so that they have a sense of control and independence. Organize supplies, clothing, lunch money and snacks the night before school to ensure a smoother start to the day.

9. Pack a lunch for the first few days until your child gets the hang of the lunchroom.

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Lots of kids are reading, and that’s cause for celebration. At least that’s what I take away from conversations with teachers, parents and bookstore managers over the past two weeks. Reading—and getting kids to read—is one of my passions, so any time I’m hearing this news I’m happy. And I don’t care how they got there.

Technology gets them reading.
Everyone I spoke with praised the power of the E-Reader. Whether it’s the Kindle, Nook, iPad or an app on the iPhone or iPod Touch, something about working with cool technology gets kids reading. Moreover, many of the classics are available in free editions for these readers. Now, I’m not saying run out and buy one, but if you have access to this technology, you might consider it.

But the story keeps them coming back.
And then there’s marketing. The publishing imprint Harper Teen has released three classics in packaging that makes them fit right in on the shelf next to the Twilight series or any of the Teen/Tween pulp books.

Check this jacket blurb out: “With all the forces of the world conspiring to keep them apart, how will fate manage to bring them together? It certainly won’t be easy if they’re fighting it every step of the way. But theirs is a love that was meant to be, despite all the odds against them.”

Sounds salacious and irresistible, right? You know what book that describes? Pride and Prejudice! Right—the Jane Austen novel from 1813. But I’m betting it works. The novel is easy enough to read, and with large type and a dewy photo of a rose on the cover, it becomes accessible to today’s kids. Gone is the cramped type publishers have consistently used to save money. This is a brilliant move. At the end of the book, there are even quizzes like “Which Pride and Prejudice girl are you?” and a speculative Facebook page for Elizabeth Bennet.

Of course, I can see some people getting twisted up about this. “These classics are being cheapened,” is the type of thing I’ve heard when I’ve mentioned this series to a couple of English teachers. Perhaps, but at least they may get read. Besides, what classic literature hasn’t been updated to reflect contemporary sensibilities and understanding? It happens all the time with Shakespeare productions. The words haven’t been changed; it’s just that they’ve been given a new context that will draw in new fans. If you think about it, Pride and Prejudice has all the elements that make “Gossip Girl” or any of these series—thwarted, impossible love; backbiting and rumor, scandal and, of course, love triumphant. Of course, the bottom line is that in addition to a story that is better crafted and more compelling than many of the stuff out there, reading these, kids will learn that whether it’s 200 or 500 years later human nature remains unchanged, and as Shakespeare said, “The course of true love never did run smooth.”

So, in the vein of summer fun, I thought I’d try my hand at recasting some classics for today’s readers. See if you can guess them. (Answers at the bottom.)

a)  Driven by a supernatural force, a darkly tormented young man cast out by his family, tangled in a web of deception and intrigue and forced to deny his one true love; is driven to solve a mystery that goes to the highest levels of power—or face certain destruction.

b)  A forbidden passion. A mother’s love. A lost father, aching to make things right. Can their pure-hearted daughter overcome her dark past to forge a new life among the glittering aristocracy?

c)  A forgotten and unloved boy seems doomed to a life in the shadows of the world, abused and unjustly punished, driven towards a life of crime. But can love save him? Is it enough, and can his spirit and passion overcome early tragedy to find a love that will never die with a woman who will make him so much more than he was alone?

Doesn’t this make you want to delve into these stories full of spice, romance, intrigue and certain doom avoided—or not—at the last minute? Then go right ahead. They’re a) Hamlet, b) The Scarlet Letter and c) David Copperfield.

This kind of marketing is what movies have been doing for years. I love seeing it applied to literature. As I said, they may come for the marketing, but they’ll stay for the stories. There’s a reason these works have endured for centuries. We just need to let the kids know why in ways they understand.

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My 5-year old daughter recently told me “that just because boys are stronger than girls, doesn’t mean that they can hit us”. Which she then immediately followed with, “and just because girls are smarter than boys, doesn’t mean that we can call them stupid.”

Being the mother to one of each, a boy and a girl, I found this statement profound, amusing and a bit puzzling. What I was most taken aback by was how she arrived at these conclusions. As the parents of any boy-girl combo can attest, we talk a lot in our house about keeping our hands to ourselves. But we’ve never discussed it in terms of gender or strength. And I’ve certainly never uttered an opinion about women being smarter than men. At least not in my outside voice.

So I’m left again with the realization that her Kindergarten peers are doing far more at this impressionable stage of shaping her perceptions…and vocabulary…than I am, and I’m not sure how to put the brakes on that issue. The social cycles I’ve seen her grow through this year are astounding, and I’m proud of the way she treats both boys and girls respect, even at a young age. But clearly the boys have somehow dug themselves into a hole that may take the entire summer, if not longer, to surface from.

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I’ve sat through three parent sessions this week at my daughter’s school that dealt with “summer brain drain” and how to keep kids from losing 30% of what teachers worked hard all year to cram into their little brains. And while some of the information was useful, very little of it took into account that kids actually need and deserve some time off. I was also struck by “fun activity” recommendations they offered parents for keeping kids’ minds engaged all summer. I’m pretty sure that my daughter would not, in fact, enjoy me dumping her LEGOs all over the floor so that she can count them as she cleans them up.

For my part, I’m not running to the bookstore to snatch up subject workbooks for my incoming first grader to be tortured over all summer. But I will spend some time talking to her (vocabulary building) during a day trip that I’ll let her map out (geo-literacy) to visit a national monument (history/social studies) where she and her brother will explore with wild summer abandon (recess).

Sometimes the best learning moments are disguised as fun.

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Why clear discipline can be a good thing.

I was in the supermarket earlier this week when I had the opportunity to watch a totalitarian regime in action, and let me tell you, it wasn’t pretty. From a mobile throne (aka a shopping cart), the little dictator somewhere around age five, was barking orders at the serf, who in a different form of government would be called “mom,” and her screams filled the store.

Mom, it seems, was arguing for virtually everything that was bought with the child, and at one point, the darling flung something from the cart that she didn’t approve. Meanwhile, Mom was trying to be conciliatory.

I wish I could say that this was an isolated incident, but I’ve seen versions of this scene acted out recently in restaurants, airports and even at the Atlantis resort. Parents actually negotiate with children in all kinds of situations where negotiation isn’t appropriate or required.

It’s not the kids’ fault. The parents have given them the power and abdicated their own. One of the most egregious examples of this kind of attitude that kids have adopted is in this Van de Kamp’s commercial. Every time I see it, my blood runs cold not just because the little girl is such an ungrateful monster but if this is showing up in a commercial, it reflects a commonality of experience that is horrifying.

And it’s worldwide, the poor bee gets abused by kids with no remorse in this European commercial.

Recently, I’ve interviewed parents who say that they feel their children’s wants and needs run the home. They put up with making different meals for each child, rudeness and demands, and they consistently ask, “What choice do I have?” More than they think.

I turned to an expert on this, who happens to be my dad. He was a teacher and school administrator for more than 40 years in private and boarding schools. At any given time he was responsible for the behavior and education of a couple of hundred kids. And he knew a thing or two about discipline. I asked him what would happen if I had addressed my mother as a b*tch, as one mom recently told me her son did. His answer was a very typical, “I would have knocked you into the middle of next week.” He was speaking figuratively, but the point is that there were certain behaviors that were completely out of bounds, and engaging in them had definite, negative consequences, usually having to do with the loss of privileges.

“Parameters, ground rules, or whatever you want to call them are good for kids,” he says. “They know what the boundaries are, and of course they’re going to challenge them; that’s what kids do. But most of the time, kids will do what is expected of them if it is clearly explained and they understand that not complying will have consequences.”

And, he adds, you have to be consistent and communicative. If you bend rules, that has to be acknowledged. And never, he says, put up with behavior that you feel is inappropriate.

It’s not just for the short term, either. “We weren’t just teaching kids to mind specific rules. We were teaching respect, listening, attention to standards, self-sufficiency, responsibility and living within a community. These are life skills.”

These skills are as important to success in later life as knowledge and education. Kids learn them not just from school but also in the home, and the community. As my dad says, being friends with your kids (and the kids in the school) is not as important as creating a structure and boundaries. It may seem oppressive, and every parent has been “the worst father or mother ever.” My mom, who was also a teacher, would respond to that with a mordant, “It must be quite awful to have the worst parents that ever lived.”

When I showed him the Van de Kamps ad, his response was concern was that the little girl is portrayed as feeling it’s all right to berate her mother in such an aggressive manner. Obviously, he knew it was fiction, but like me, he felt that there have to be better ways to sell frozen fish.

That’s why my dad is not just my friend—but considered a friend by the kids (now adults) who learned from him for four decades.

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Bans don’t work. Or at least they don’t achieve the desired end, which is generally to fix some problem in the culture. The Prohibition of alcohol in the U. S. from 1920-1933 was a disaster and gave rise to modern organized crime, helped fuel the “Roaring Twenties” and did nothing to prevent those who really wanted alcohol from getting their hands on it.

Two bans currently making headlines will probably do only that. The so-called Happy Meal ban in Santa Clara, California, and the ban of violent video games have certainly created a lot of posturing from public officials, but most of it is idiocy.

Consider Ken Yeager, Santa Clara County who says that toy premiums encourage children to eat unhealthy food. And it’s not like the other side is sending Valentines. Calling politicians “Frankenstein monsters” is about the only thing in the expletive-laden rants we can print in a family blog. Neither side is behaving rationally.

Here’s the reality. McDonald’s introduced the toy-with-meal concept in 1979, first to promote its drive-thru windows and then to compete with other fast food restaurants. The thinking, which has been consistently validated through research, has always been that the choice of a toy could drive the choice of restaurant by kids as the family was in the car. The toy never played a role in a decision to eat “healthy food” versus fast food, but which fast food restaurant to choose. Eliminating the toy doesn’t change the desire to buy fast food. That’s the behavior and mindset that needs to be addressed. Moreover, fast food restaurants have offered healthier choices in their kids’ meals for several years. But guess what? Consumers prefer the traditional meals. It is too easy and facile to blame the toy without addressing the underlying issue: Americans eat too much calorie-laden nutritionally compromised fast food. Banning toys makes noise, but it won’t solve that problem.

Similarly, banning of the sale of “violent” video games to kids younger than 18 will not eliminate violence in the culture. First and foremost, “M” and “T” rated games represent only about 6 percent of the total video games out there. Secondly, despite all the noise, there is no research that links playing violent video games with violent behavior. This is for one very simple reason: It is impossible to structure research that limits kids’ exposure only to video games or TV. In fact, there is increasing literature that debunks this and other video game myths. Common sense would tell us that if exposure to violence in literature, art or video games really did promote violent behavior, you could say that kids shouldn’t read the Bible. There’s a whole lot of violence in there from the smiting to the retribution to the plague. No wonder it’s called “violence of Biblical proportions.” No, we live in a country that lionizes violence, that values it as a show of strength.

In his wonderful book, Empire of Illusion: The End of Literacy and the Triumph of Spectacle, author Chris Hedges addresses just this. We look to violence through the illusion of everything from political parties to professional wrestling to right wrongs and validate us. And it comes at a very steep cost to our ability to see clearly and accomplish things.

In this case, it is the illusion that the bans will change fundamental beliefs and their respective behaviors that is being promoted. A real solution that goes deeper doesn’t make sexy sound bites or headlines and offers no quick fixes or guaranteed results. It might, however, work over time. Right now, people are making a lot of noise, but no one’s getting less violent or having more healthy diets.

It would be nice if a ban could work, but things aren’t that simple, and on problems as endemic as obesity and violence there are no easy, isolated fixes. Toys and games are merely expressions, to make real change we must dig deeper—and be willing to change.

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The story of the week for parents and kids seems to be the fate of the kids bullying Phoebe Prince, the teenager who killed herself as the result of aggressive bullying.

There’s a lot of hand wringing going on about this. There lots of people saying that they don’t know how this could happen. There are lots of people shouting for the heads of the school administrators who “let” this happen. Your tax dollars have gone to create a fundamentally well intentioned, if condescending and juvenile, site called Stop Bullying Now.

But it’s all useless and will do nothing to stem what some are calling an epidemic of bullying, though others contest this idea. Statistics can be marshaled for any point of view, but what is truly tragic in this is that everyone is missing the essential point.

In nearly three decades of studying kids, play and cultural influences, I have consistently seen two incontrovertible facts:

1. Kid culture always mirrors the culture at large. From toy guns to cell phones to the drive to acquire a hot toy, if kids are doing it (however you perceive it), it is being modeled, condoned and supported by the adult culture. This has been true since the beginning of the 20^th Century, but has been even truer in the post-World-War II decades.
2. Money talks. If something is profitable, you’re going to see more of it. Reflecting some kind of quality standard is less relevant than ever. In this fragmented media market, the game is getting people to tune in and pay attention, and the only rule is “whatever it takes.”

So can we really be surprised at what we see as bullying among kids in a culture that condones and lavishly rewards open aggression, hostility, name-calling and the incitement of violence against people with whom they don’t agree? Can we really say that the rhetoric from left and right that is emotional, fact-free and designed to hurt and/or get an emotional reaction isn’t bullying? Of course it is. And Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, Glenn Beck are getting very wealthy doing it without being held accountable for what they say. Not to mention members of Congress whose outbursts on both sides of the issue in the recent health care “debate” were nothing more than bluster and bullying. And this is not to excuse the left wing, either. John Stewart, Stephen Colbert and Rachel Maddow are doing it, too—and being constantly enriched for it. Their tones may be different, but irony and sarcasm can be bullying as well. It is an environment where facts have no currency, only emotion and polarization because that’s what sells. Given that, behavior and speech that is tantamount to bullying has become a staple of the airwaves and blogosphere.

All very well for adults, whom we can assume can both dish it out and take it—and perhaps laugh all the way to the bank.

Yet what this teaches kids is something very different. When we lionize and make fabulously wealthy someone who is bullying, we teach our kids that such behavior is okay. And not just okay but a path to success. When talking heads seek to express power through emotionalism and cruelty and we support it, we teach our children that that is an effective and appropriate way to encounter the world. Since the schoolyard and the peer group is a child’s world, he or she will inevitably use the behaviors that have been modeled and condoned by the adult world in that environment. Tragic as the results can be, it is either blind or cynical to then turn around and blame the kids when they bully in their worlds.

Listen to children in elementary school as I’ve done recently. The virulence with which they either defend or denigrate President Obama, for instance, is almost assuredly not from independent analysis. They are parroting what they hear at home.

Read the college essays of high school students as I’ve done over the past six months, and you’ll see arguments framed on emotion with no basis in fact. (When I point this out, I am told, “Well, my teacher thought it was okay.” Wow.)

Are these all kids? Of course not, but they are indicative of a trend that reflects the culture as a whole. Emotionalism and bullying are running rampant in our country. Why for a moment would be surprised it’s affecting children as well?

The challenge of parenting in 2010 is trying to create a rational world consistent with one’s own values in light of the myriad media and personal influences impacting our lives and those of our children. It can be mind-boggling, and it can’t all be controlled. The parents’ job is to provide consistent context, not just to say what is or isn’t appropriate but to model that behavior as well.

We will not stop bullying among kids until we stop rewarding it among adults. We will not get kids to stop calling one another hurtful and derogatory names until the culture at large stops calling the President, members of Congress or anyone in the public eye hurtful and derogatory names.

While I’m not hopeful that this will happen any time soon because being hateful is making a lot of people rich and garnering tons of attention for many others, like so many things, change starts at home—and it happens one person at a time.

What have you modeled for your kids today? And what will they take from you into their world? It’s a hard question, but it has to be asked.

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For something that’s supposed to be fun—a birthday party—lots of people can get pretty bent out of shape about them, especially when it comes to presents. If you’re the guest, questions as to what to spend or whether a parent is going to welcome something into the house are paramount. If you’re throwing the party, questions as to when to open presents and how to teach kids to be gracious are paramount.

It’s not easy. Every parent has a horror story, such as the parents I know in California who spent about $25 (higher than the national average) on a gift, only to find that most of the other guests brought very expensive presents. You have to ask who is trying to impress whom at that point, quite frankly.

Here are some tips that will help you minimize the stress, and, hopefully, create a lot of fun for kids celebrating their special days.

1. What to spend? This is always the big question. It depends on your area of the country, and what’s standard practice among your child’s peer group. However $15-$20 seems to be about the top, according to our survey of parents across the country. You can get a very good toy for that amount of money, even some of the hot promotional toys. Remember, last year’s super-hot item the Zhu Zhu Pets were under $10, and anyone who scored one of those would have been a hero at a party. It’s good to remember, particularly for children under 8, play value is far more important than the actual dollar value. If you’re part of a group, school or class, it’s a good idea to come to an agreement among all the parents as to what to spend. With young kids, if you’ve got 20 parties to buy for each year, and you spend $15 per kids, you’re committing to $350 overall, which is a lot of money.
2. What to buy? Again, this varies by ages. For preschoolers and toddlers, stuffed animals, age-appropriate games and books are always a good idea. As kids get older, they have very specific likes and dislikes. Talk to your kids about what they’re into, and take them shopping with you. For example for boys from 4-7, action figures are great, particularly if it’s a character all the kids are into. That will be $10 or less.
3. What about gift cards? After a kid is 9 or 10, gift cards can be a good idea. However, we find that kids would rather get a present—and a gift receipt so something can be exchanged—than a gift card. Cards are okay if you know a child is hoping to get something big, but it’s always nice to have something to open.
4. Any ways to save money? We know one parent who has an ingenious idea: She knows approximately how many parties her kids will go to, and at the beginning of the season they go shopping and buy versions of the same thing. These gifts are stored in the “present closet,” and the child gets to pick when he or she has a party to go to. This allows you to take advantage of special sales when you see them, or buy-one-get-one offers and it means you almost never have to run to the store on an emergency present run.
5. If your child is giving. Remember, kids get very proud of the presents they give. It often means a lot to them. So involving them in the selection process is great. Remind him or her that the birthday boy or girl may not open the presents at the party, so it’s not a great idea to yell, “Open it!” when the gift is presented. (Of course, sometimes the kids are all so excited they can’t wait.)
6. If your child is receiving. Talk to them before the party about being a good host. Decide in advance if you’re going to open presents while the guests are there, or later. If you decide later, make sure you have a way for the child to thank each present giver personally. It doesn’t have to be a formal thank you note, but kids like to receive acknowledgement. (Parents too.) Also, teach them to be gracious recipients. If the toy is a duplicate, teach them not to say, “I already have this,” or some version of that. With so many parties and so many presents, it’s inevitable that one or two may be disappointing, but don’t let the giver know. That’s what the gift receipt is for.
7. Don’t sweat it. Parents tend to make a much bigger deal of this than kids do. It’s not a competition; it’s a birthday party. Keep it simple, keep it fun and keep the focus on good play.

Think about it: Do you remember the toys you got at birthday parties? Of all the parties I had as a kid, I remember one gift: large die-cast car. My classmate Ricky gave it to me for my 7^th birthday, and I think I still have it. That’s one in who knows how many. Relax, do your best; don’t bust your budget. Focus on the fun and the pleasure you’ll be giving, and that’s the best gift of all to you.

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I don’t know whether it’s good, bad or just plain scary that my wife and I have thrown almost 50 birthday parties over the years for our kids. While you want to create memories that can last a lifetime, you do not empty your bank account. As a Birthday Vet, I’ve seen everything from disasters, to great parties on a budget to some that were nicer than my wedding, no kidding.

Whatever you plan, though, the key to a great party is organization and planning. Here’s our checklist that can help make party planning easier:

1. Set a Budget: This comes first. Decide what you can afford, and what’s appropriate for your child’s age. I always loved going to the fancy parties for a one-year-old, which the child will never remember. That’s something for the parents. Plan what’s comfortable for you, and please, don’t try to “keep up with the Joneses.” There will always be someone that does something ridiculously over the top, but you want to do what feels right for you. Trust me, if you’re focused on the good time, the kids won’t be counting what you’ve spent.
2. How many kids are coming? Now that you’ve set a budget, you can determine that number of kids your child wants to invite. Often younger kids like to (or parents feel compelled to) invite a whole class. However, as kids get older, the number of guests usually decreases. (Turning 16 is something for another column.) The number of gusts should partially be determined by the nature of the party and your budget.
3. Will the party be home or away?A party out usually entails going to a party place, like a Chuck E Cheese’s or an activity party place. The Pros:You don’t have a large number of kids in your home, and all you have to do is show up with your child. The Cons: The price. Personally, when my kids were younger, we always had the party at our home. We’d have a craft for the kids to make(and bring home) , cooking activities, sports and games for small prizes. If you do have a home party, employ relatives or a parent of your child’s friends, who often are happy to stay and help.
4. What do you spend on a party favor?You don’t need to spend more than $5 per child. You’ve just entertained them, you don’t need to give them a major present, too. The obvious choices are toys and candy, the favorites of every child. You also don’t need to spend as much if they’re bringing home something they made, which is one reason the craft parties work well.
5. How long should a party be? Obviously, the younger the kids, the shorter the party. For kids in the early grades, two hours is plenty of time. If you’re planning a party away from home, add an hour for travel and wrangling kids.
6. Planning is key. No matter the age of the kid or the size of the party, planning is essential. With younger kids, you may want to have a precise timetable—moving them from one room to another can be a challenge. Defined start and end times are also important, as well as making sure that parents or caregivers know when to drop off and pick up kids.
7. Get information in advance. Particularly these days many kids have dietary limitations. Be sure that you check any of these in advance, and do your best to accommodate those needs. This is especially necessary for kids who may be old enough to have sleepover parties.
8. Expect the unexpected. Even with all your planning, things may not go exactly as you wish. A level of flexibility and an ability to roll with whatever happens will be a great asset.
9. Get support. You don’t have to do this all by yourself. Particularly with the youngest kids, having more than one adult around can be beneficial—and even a lifesaver. You might even trade off support duties with another child’s parents.
10. Have fun. Oh, yeah, that. Seriously, though, you want to enjoy your children’s parties. Your kids will notice if it’s more of a labor for you. Of course, you’re still in charge, but some of those memories you’re trying to create belong to you as well. Make sure they’re the happy ones. Party!

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